IN A FUNK (not the James Brown kind)

Warning: The following is a non-happy post.

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I used to write on this blog. I've been conspicuously absent for many months because, well, I just didn't feel like writing. I've been more than a little down for the past six or so months, and most of that has to do with the fact that 1) I was always told that "in order to make something of your life you have to go to college" and 2) I did just that, even got an advanced degree and 3) the people who told me that are all lying bastards and 4) I'm unsuccessful and sulking.

Here's my sap story...

I've had tunnel vision for the past 10 years that I wanted to be an art professor. I'm good at it, I love it, it's the only thing I've ever seen myself doing. So I've taken all the necessary steps to follow my dream. Unfortunately, professorships in my field are few and far between for a couple reasons. First, schools are churning out MFAs (terminal art degree) like nobody's business. And most people who get an MFA do not plan to teach. But then they get out of school and realize that they can't do a damn thing with that degree, so the only option is to teach at a university. The statistic right now is that for every open art professor position there are 300+ qualified applicants. To make matters worse, MANY schools are going to adjuncts to save money. That means that when a full professor retires, instead of hiring another full time professor, the school hires three or more adjuncts for the same price. Adjuncts often teach the same amount of classes as full professors, but get paid 1/3 the salary, with no benefits. And there's no stability because it's a year-to-year hire basis. Why on earth would anyone be an adjunct? Well, you need several years of experience to qualify for one of those few and far between full time jobs. You have to grind for a few years, pay your dues, so to speak. Which is exactly what I've done. I won't go into details about how much I've been paid as an adjunct, but let's just say it's well below the poverty level, and the Mexican immigrant janitorial staff who can't speak english get paid more than I did, plus I'm pretty sure they get benefits.

This was all put into perspective for me when I received a one-year full time position this past school year. I did the same amount of work that I had done the previous three years as an adjunct, but got a real salary and benefits. So while I was enjoying the lap of luxury, I applied for over 30 full time positions around the country, hoping that I would slide from that one-year position into a permanent position at another school. I have excellent credentials, a kick-ass portfolio... I really honestly thought I would be offered a job (which would start this next school year.) And all I got was 30+ rejection letters. Not one interview. And let me tell you -- applying for an art professor job is a huge undertaking. You have to send slides/CDs of artwork that has to be formatted a special way (and every school has different requirements) plus tons of letters, teaching philosophies, syllabi.... basically, each school I applied to received a thick dossier from me that took hours to prepare. And I sent over 30 of these. So having spent MONTHS applying for these positions, it was a real jab in my ass that I didn't get a single interview. Because I'm good. No, I'm DAMN good. I consistently get excellent evaluations from my students, usually better than the full time faculty. I really care about my job and my students. One of the reasons I want to be a professor is because I've had so many shitty ones, and I want to be a good one. I sincerely want to make a difference in the lives of my students (and I know for a fact that I already have.)

But that one-year position just ended. If I go back to the school I've been at for the past 4 years, I take a demotion back to adjunct status (not because of anything I've done wrong, but because of University fiscal issues.) So I've applied for jobs at galleries and museums. Galleries don't want me because they are trying to make a profit and they want a salesperson (I have no sales experience.) Museums aren't interested because I don't have a Museology degree. I can't teach K-12 (nor would I want to!) because I don't have a teaching license. How messed up is that - I'm qualified to teach college but not high school.

Long story short, I'm unemployed and having an early midlife crisis. I'm regretting my education choice. I look at the fact that I spent 8 years in college and 4 years getting "hands-on" experience in my field, and I could have gone to veterinary school and already have my own lucrative practice going. I look at redneck retards that went to high school with me who never spent any time in college, and they've miraculously landed great jobs and have nice houses and drive nice cars. This idea of "go to college or else!" is a total sham. It's a stupid myth propagated by ignorant people. Sure, you can make more money if you're a college graduate - IF YOU GET CERTAIN DEGREES. That should be the caveat whenever anyone tells a high school kid to go to college. Go into business, pharmaceuticals, real estate. But a degree itself is pointless, and you end up with student loans you can't afford to pay, without a job in your field of study.

I'm realizing for the first time that I probably won't be a college professor. And that's freaking me out because my two degrees do not qualify me for anything else. I feel like I've wasted over a decade of my life. I'm 30, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. And if I continue grinding it out as an adjunct and eventually get a full professorship, odds are it will be in a place where no one wants to live. I'll be in Bismarck or something (no offense to Bismarckians, really). And I don't want to be stuck in a job I like in a place I hate. Which is why I'm freaking out.

By the way, I'm not as sad or mad as this post sounds. I WAS, but I'm over the initial depression. Now it's more frustration. I've battled clinical depression since I was 14 years old, back when there was still a stigma attached to it. I have ups and downs, and I'm more up right now. (That's why I'm able to write this post - I actually feel like writing!) I've got two silly dogs and an incredible husband who keep me going. And I will succeed, I will end up in a good job. In the meantime, though, I've got to vent. The world is designed to protect idiots, good people get shit on. It's a fact of life and I must deal with it.

I saw a rainbow not too long ago. I wish they weren't associated with little girls and gay men. Because rainbows are really amazing and magical. Every time I see one, it affirms that things will get better. It's the gods' way of saying that everything is going to be alright. I believe it, but sometimes it takes some repeating - and some Bob Marley - for it to sink into my thick skull.

I broke down and went to a temp agency yesterday. I'll write about how I flunked the pre-test in another post.